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freedom

As I sat down to write a blog, I honestly had no idea what I was going to write. I stared at the daunting blinking cursor waiting for me to add words to the screen and nothing came.

I prayed, “God, give me something to write about that is interesting and glorifies You.”

Almost immediately this story of how I found true freedom in Christ came to mind. So naturally, I shoved that idea aside. As I stared at this empty text box, I couldn’t shake the feeling that I needed to write this.

As I type, I’m still hesitating. I love this story. I love what God has done in my life.
But, in a moment of bitter truth: I feel far from God right now and writing this story makes me feel like a hypocrite. I feel like people will read these words be encouraged, but if they looked through the screen they’d see the a girl who feels weak and fake and far from the Lord.

But there is grace. Grace upon grace upon grace.

So I’m going to trust God. Here we go.

_________________________________________________________

In 2012, I had an amazing opportunity to spend 3.5 months in Phuket, Thailand where I went on a mission trip to fight human trafficking.

Thailand is a beautiful nation. Beautiful people, beautiful scenery. But it also has a VERY high rate of humans who are bought and sold as slaves.

In January of 2012, I heard an amazing sermon preached by Christine Caine at Passion Conference. It was there that I knew God was calling me to fight this atrocious crime.

So in August, I jetted off to Thailand with 6 amazing women and we began this fight together.

We spent our time working on a long street with rows and rows and rows of bars. Each bar had “bar girls” which were women who were for sale. On any given night, this road has 1,200 women that can be bought as if they are property.

It was horrific. It was disgusting.
There were nights I left crying, screaming, anger beyond belief.

But it was in the midst of this awful place that God revealed to me that for my whole life, I’d been a slave, too. A slave to fear, anxiety and self hatred.

What I didn’t see inside myself was that I was weak, timid, fearful and had a huge lack of trust in the Lord. I didn’t see this. But thankfully my teammates did.

One night, after weeks of lovingly trying to break through the walls I’d built so high around myself, they gathered around me and said, “you’re going to release the lies you’re holding onto.”

I remember thing, “um, excuse me?”
I’m sure they saw the look of fear and confusion, but they didn’t relent.

They wrapped their arms around me and began to pray over me. Before I knew it, I was speaking out lies from deep inside my soul. Lies that I’d shoved way down. Lies that I let define me. Lies that had taken up permanent residency in my heart.

Lies that I was ugly, stupid, unworthy, useless.

I remember weeping. I remember my teammates weeping. These lies that I’d been holding onto for my entire life were exposed. I didn’t have to believe them anymore. They no longer lived inside of me, dictating every move I made.

My chains hit the ground and I was free.
I am free.

Those lies don’t define me anymore.
Don’t get me wrong, there are days where those insecurities creep back in, but now I see them as lies and combat them with the truth.

I know that I am beautiful because God intricately knit me together in my mother’s womb.
I know that I am smart because I can seek the Lord for wisdom.
I know that I’m worthy because Jesus died and rose again for me to be a part of His family.
I know that I am useful because God gave me a purpose.

John 8:36 // So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed.

Yes, I am free indeed.
Lord, help me choose to live and run in this freedom everyday.

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[ on top of Big Buddha, Phuket, Thailand ]

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4 thoughts on “freedom

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